Prove Me Wrong; There Is No Love between Two Gay Men

I dare you to prove that there indeed is

A few months back I had written an article entitled ‘Gay Relationships Are Not Meant to Be.’ As interesting as the title was and controversial still what I wrote, I felt that time has come again to speak on this matter. In the first article, I had attempted, albeit objectively, to look at some of the reasons that underlie gay relationships –at least those I have seen – and why most of them invariably do not last. With so many break ups and fleeting as some of them are, it was no wonder I had every right to rant.

I was hoping that this time things would have been better – or at least some would have heeded my advice– and they would have worked out these problems that plague gay relationships and maybe, for once, prove me wrong. However, that has not happened; I am still right. Yes, gay relationships are not meant to be. It’s a no brainer then to say also that they hardly last.

I have tried to view those friends of mine who are dating or are in relationships and I am disappointed. There was some hope in one or two that seemed – at least on the face – bound to last and indeed prove once and for all that two gay men can find love, happiness and comfort in one another. Sadly, as I was getting comfortable to the fact that I at last had been alive to see a (Kenyan) success story, I was again hurt when I was told they had broken up.

I do agree that problems will be there in any kind of (love or sexual) relationship and more so between gay men. I also agree that it’s all about both partners, equal and in love, to work at this and despite all, still stick together.  Gay relationships can be the best, fulfilling and complete things on earth...only if we make them to be this. What we have, sadly, are two people who want to have fun without an aforethought of other pertinent matters or what is next after the libido subsides. Do not get me wrong, sex is good, sweet and amazing and when performed by two people who understand and complement each other, the ecstasies of Teresa of Avila can hardly compare.

What I have noted is sex being relegated to being a tool of domination and a means of oiling (bloated) egos. Many a times I hear people boast of their sexual conquests and some are openly proud of telling others they have slept with so and so. Nowhere is male ego so obvious and pathetic. Most gay men, tops mainly, pride in the thought they have bed so and so. In fact some take sexual conquest as a task that they just have to engage in. I am told that some keep a record of their entire sex partner, complete with dates and places when they had sex. To them, looks and character are not necessarily a requisite to the ones they lay with but the fact that that person can be taken to bed.

The passives of our community are also to blame. Some pride in the fact that they have been taken to bed with the crème de la crème of the tops we have. I have one close friend of mine who throws himself to anyone who will show the slightest interest in them. He may be choosy over looks but even that is thrown to the winds when his flesh hints at copulation. He is ashamed of being called loose or immoral; all he wants is sex and he will do anything to get it.

What we have as gay Kenyans are sex cycles. I had also talked about this on previous article entitled ‘Funeral Committees.’ Here, I brought to light or at least tired to speak on the emerging and worrying pattern of gay men moving from one person to another. People in relationships suddenly break up and the next time they appear they both have someone different and go on to claim how in love they are. The same pattern repeats itself all over. I will admit that the openly gay community (by open I mean those who are gay and interact on a regular basis with others especially in social scenes) is small. Chances are if I break up with someone I will date the next person I know who may turn out to be a drinking buddy or a neighbour or a colleague or a friend. My friends date my friends; there are no new people. People who are looking for a relationship need not look that far to find someone.

Without fear or shame, most of us hardly have second thoughts when it comes to sex. We would immediately engage in sex when it is available. Many people live risky lives by this. They will not find a partner or someone to settle down with but choose to live singly and engage in sex with those they will. They frequent bars, buy one or two drinks (sounds familiar, Mr. Denis Nzioka?) alone or with friends and they will look for someone to go home with that night; and they do this every night!  These usually are people with money, good look and are generally known among their peers; what makes me wonder is how someone as successful and complete as they are cannot find someone to settle down with! I talked to one and he told me that it’s important to appear single and available as you can then be free to look for someone. Getting into a relationship, gasp, makes someone unattractive, uninteresting and pretty much unavailable; why then would anyone want them?

What I am trying to say is that gay relationships will not be successful if the above is anything to go by. Unless we all work at it we are just fooling ourselves. To those who are meant to be in relationships and to those who are meant to be single, the challenge is only one. I dare you to prove me wrong; there is no love between two gay men.