Gays from Nairobi CAN NOT Make Good Wives

If You Want A Gay Partner, Avoid the Ones from Nairobi.

On Tuesday this week, I had lunch at Kenyatta University with a group of well learned, cultured and lively group gay students. They had invited me to come and share some quality time with them. Its part of being a celeb, you see. Well, we enjoyed ourselves with some French fries, sodas and whisky they had gotten for this occasion. In one of our conversations I happened to ask what kind of person would make a good partner (I don’t like the word ‘wife’ or ‘husband’) They said if you want to get married or enter into a relationship DO NOT go for gays from Nairobi. I was slightly taken aback by this. Why would they not date someone from Nairobi? Well, here is what they said.

1. Gays from Nairobi are cheats. Yes, they said gays from Nairobi are good at cheating and that they are adulterous. They would cheat on you and still come and lay their head on your shoulder and declare their undying love for you. They said Nairobians don’t know the values of monogamy or committed, fulfilling relationships. They would as quickly jump to the next person without regret or shame. Ouch!
2. Gays from Nairobi are just too promiscuous and they are not ashamed of it. Yes, we are known to be particularly high in libido and sexual energy and thus we engage in a lot of sex with as many people as possible.
3. Gays in Nairobi have AIDS. Due to the sexual promiscuity and what have you, many of us here, according to them, suffer from HIV and are spreading it like wild fire. They say that you can know who has AIDS by just looking at them. They even told me statistically (which I am yet to see the figure of but I think they made it up) is that six (6) out of every ten (10) gays in Nairobi is infected with HIV/AIDS.
4. Gays in Nairobi drink and party too much. We are known to be party freaks and drunks. We can down drink after drink without blinking an eye. We are known to lack moderation when having fun or in pubs. Our dancing pendulums between outright whore-ish to utter disgust.
5. Gays in Nairobi don’t know how to dress properly. Do you know those tight jeans, all that bling bling, that Mohawk and eyebrow piercing? Naaa; doesn’t work for these folks.
6. Gays in Nairobi are only after money. The first red flag, they told me, is when if you are dating someone and they ask you for money. That puts most off as they see it as being someone who is not interested in love but what they can get out of the relationship.
7. Gays in Nairobi are snobbish, arrogant and out rightly rude. Yes, they told me that some of you looked down on them on account of the way they look, dress, talk and act. You always make fun of their broken English, colour clashing attire, their age, their hard skinned hands and/or their lack of money. So sad.
8. Gays in Nairobi do not like manual labour. Yes, most gays in Nairobi would rather sit in the office than lift a jembe or a wheel a wheelbarrow. They said most want to wear suits and carry pens instead of getting dirty and filthy with manual labour.
9. Chances are if you break up with a Nairobi guy he will either (a)steal from you himself what he can before leaving the house or (b) he will organise with some of his ‘cousins’ to come steal from you. And if he can’t steal, he will have someone break your bones or burn down your car. If he cannot do either, he will start telling his friend how inept you were in bed and how ‘small’ some of your intimate details are.

Then I asked them, if you want to date someone or if you want a relationship, where do you find a partner and what kind of partner should they be? They told me this:

1. The best place to get a good partner is if he comes from the farm ‘ushago’. Yes, farm boys are much better than city boys.  They are genuinely naive, easy and understanding and lastly, inexpensive to please and maintain. Buy them some French fries, a sausage, quarter of a chicken and top it all off with a bottle of Picana mango and you got yourself a wife!
2. Farm boys will not cheat on you. Once they love you that is it. They will love you for the rest of their human lives. They come from strong family backgrounds and so they know and attach a lot of importance to a stable, loving and committed relationship.
3. Farm boys are great in bed. Well, ‘great’ may not be the word but they can be taught one or two things. Since most have not had that many relationships, no less sex, they are ‘practical virgins’ when it comes to the bedroom. You can teach them some new tricks, sex styles, and a couple of other stuff. You will be like a Greek god to them.
4. They are generally not after your money. Most said that compared to a farm boy who has grown up with basic amenities and other materials, a city boy is likely to be too worried on getting new things and shopping and keeping up which ultimately means money being spent, your money.
5. Farm boys are good at work and in the house. They will cook, clean, wash and tidy you and the house up. They will iron your clothes, polish your shoes, make your bed and even wash your undies. They are not afraid of work unlike some of y’all. They will work in any environment and with the little they have. They are not embarrassed to be seen carrying a sack of Irish potatoes or lifting a jembe to dig.
6. They are natural. They are natural in the sense they have no time for make up or fashion, style and decor. What you see is what you get. They do not hide under layers of cheap mascara, fake teeth and loose clothes. There is no Fair and Lovely whitening cream for them. They could however learn to use deodorants more.
7. And finally farm boys are always there emotionally, sexually, spiritually and in other areas. They are there in good and in bad times, when there is money or not, in mourning and joyous occasions. They will accompany you everywhere. They make good life companions. This is what makes them a cut above the rest.

So, you decide. Do you want a partner from Nairobi or one from the farm? Thank GOD for singlehood. I only have to worry about bills.