I Will Stick to Bars, Thank you!

Gay Dating Sites

I am not a fan of dating sites. I will never be caught surfing the net or dating sites in search of love or sex. I think I am naive to still believe the best and most successful way to get a man is, go to a bar, head to the counter, order a beer (no, not one of those fancy cocktails or margaritas – too metro sexual); preferably a lager, and look around for some potential ones, spot and mark one, nod, move your head and eyebrow once, invite them over for a drink, buy a drink, ask him who he is, tell him who you are, ask him if comes there often, say you have seen him around, then say he is cute, he laughs, you ask why is he laughing, he blushes, you say you are serious, he gets the point and bam bam bum! You have a man.

But it’s not that easy. First, pubs are so cliché and secondly, last time I tried that, I suffered a black eye. The guy I had called over was apparently ‘straight’ and you can imagine his shock when I told him I found him sexy.  Or was it that I told him if we could go back to my place and get nekkid? All I can remember is a blow to my right eye.

So, in a fit of desperation, I decided to log into one of Kenya’s premier gay dating sites and see if I can net myself a man. I typed in the web address and clicked on the ‘ENTER’ button. A few seconds later, the site’s home page appears and there is a picture of a really hot male model with his shirt off leaning on an equally drop dead gorgeous male model. Move over, Tyson Beckford! So, I peruse the page and then land on the ‘Log In/Register’ tab and click on it. Up pops the ‘Fill in Your Details’ page to create an Account’ window and off I start. I filled in my name, country of origin, age and profession and strangely enough, income per year. Gold-diggers will be interested in that so I leave it unanswered. I was then linked to a new pop up page and here were more details to be filled. First question was ‘Orientation.’ Last I checked I was gay; so gay it is. Question two was marital status. I filled in single and searching. I could have added single and searching and desperate as Hell! LOL! Then came ‘Dick size’ Huh? There were five options: ‘Small’ ‘Average’ ‘Above Average’ ‘Large/Massive’ and lastly ‘Horse Size.’ My effing GOD!

Then I was asked if I was top or bottom, what colour my eyes and hair were, if I was a drunk or smoker, if I am into safe sex or not, if . I filled them as truthfully as possible. I then arrived at the last step of registration and I was asked if I could post pictures of myself but not naked ones. Aha. Apparently, a study recently showed that profiles with pictures are more likely to get more hits than those with none. So, I uploaded one of my pictures from a folder in my laptop.  With the final hit at the ‘ENTER’ key, I became a member.

How do I go about this, I wondered, as I waited for the members’ page to load. But before I could answer that, a pop up envelop written ‘New Message’ came on the screen and I clicked on it. Oh, nyef nyef. It was one of those Administrator default welcome-to-the-site-messages. Where is the delete button? Oh, here it is. Click. Click. So, I went back to my profile page and started to familiarize myself with all that the site had to offer. There was a tab for (current) online users and it showed that it had 12 members online at the moment ready to chat. Hmm, looks like a good place to start. Click. I am in the chat room. True enough, twelve members were visible and looking at their names, I was spoilt for choice.

There was ‘Bottomman’ ‘Sexycockmeat’ ‘Loverboi34’ ‘Big Poppa AOL’ ‘Topmansexy’ ‘PatXXX,’ and others.  I checked the description they gave and these blew me away. There was this member called ‘StrictlyDiikly’ who, according to what was written in his profile, ‘loves to suck and drink cum.’ Another was into ‘massive cock and big ones.’ Both even had numbers and e-mail addresses for those who fit their preferences to contact them. Opposite the profile of another member called ‘Nudeboy’ was picture of man wearing nothing but a jockstrap. Well, next came ‘Mr. Sexycockmeat’ and he is looking for a ‘pure bottom for sex’ and ‘to show him a really good time.’ Next to this was a picture of one massive penis. The Photoshop did an amazing job.

‘StrictlyDiikly’ was looking for love and ‘a meaningful relationship.’ He sounds genuine. How about him, I thought? So, I clicked on the ‘Chat Now’ and the chat tab came on. ‘Hey’ I typed. He typed ‘hey’ back. ‘I am new here. I am Denis.’ ‘Tell me about you’ he answers back. As I am busy typing a response, he writes ‘I love you!’ Huh? You love me, already? I was dumb founded. What do I say? ‘Thanks’ I typed back. What could I write? As I waited for him to reply, ‘Topmansexy’ sends a chat invite with the message, ‘Are you free tonight? I am horny. Can you fuck me all night long?’  Huh? What do I do? Then another user by the name ‘Sweetvirginboy’ sends me a chat saying. ‘I like your pic. You have a nice smile.’ I am here less than a minute and I have all these? ‘Topmansexy’ writes ‘I want your cock’ and as I am reading this, ‘StrictlyDiikly’ writes ‘if you don’t love me, at least fuck me!’ Before I can even answer any of these, ‘Sweetvirginboy’ asks ‘What role are you and which style do you prefer?’ Oh, this was too much!

 I just ignored them, clicked on the ‘Settings’ tab and looked for the ‘Delete Account’ option and clicked on it. A pop-up window came on with the question, ‘Are you sure?’ Yes, I am! Click. Click.

I will stick to bars, thank you.